drama, chaos, and still the same broken girl

My life has become so chaotic...

building a business, working numerous odd jobs, maintaining my relationship, marriage plans, legal issues, God-- just so much is going on right now I am having a hard time with it all.....

ESPECIALLLLLYYYYYYY with the 1 year anniverary of my miscarriage being 5 days away; it is really bothering me down to my core. I dont know what to do, and there are times where I am almost feeling paralized from the thoughts, and the memories that plauge me. I am forced to relive the whole experience every single time I sleep... I dont want to feel it again, I dont want to see it again, I just want to be at peace... But, sadly, I know that will not happen.


I might be getting married almost a year earlier than I had antisipated. I might be dealing with more lawsuits and more dumb issues that I really dont want to deal with, and I just dont have the time for. But I guess that really only matters to a very few select people in my life...

So as it goes,
I am still....


THE BROKEN GIRL

What I want time and time again...

I want to scream,
I want to bleed,
I want to hurt,
I want to need,
I want something,
Something more,
Than empty feelings,
An empty core.

A broken center,
A shattered mind,
If you look closer,
That's all you'll find,
Inside the heart,
Inside the soul,
All you can see,
Is a swirling black hole.

It suck you in,
It hurls you out,
It finds my loss,
It finds my doubt,
It shows the truth,
Of my hidden pain,
It shows a person,
With much to gain.

And while i hide,
The pain inside,
I slowly start,
To wither, and die

New Life

Everything is doing great
New car soon
New life
New school quarter ((WOO HOO Spring Break))
♥ is all around us
New job
New (better) smiles
A happy girl with her head held high for the first time in a while.

Thank you Cy, for pushing me past my comfort zone with my dreams and goals. Without you I wouldnt have achieved so much.... I ♥ you babe, and even if we get married under different reasons than what we expected, it will all be ok :)

I'll never foreget you

they say there was a reason,
they say time heals,
but neiither time nor reason
will change the way we feel
for no one knows the heartache
that lies behind ouur smiles
no one knows how many times
we have broke down crying
we want to tell you something
so there wont be any doubt
your so wonderful to think about
but so hard to be without
iit doesn't matter what people believe
you were wanted more than anything
we'll think about you all the time
and thinkaboout you constantly
our baby.... our child.... our blood....
you'll forever be in our heart,
miind and soul...









i miscarried sept 27th 09 when i was 10 1/2 weeks along.... i think about the baby i lost all the tiime... and its one of the hardest things in the world to feel...

Whi I am

the broken girl? Quite simply... I'm no longer me. 'm not the girl who I was striving to be. I'm not the girl I want to be. I'm dissappointed in myself and feel I'm fghting back my tears 24/7. This girl I am now is an imposter. I dont have passion in writing anymore. I don't draw or read or have that drive to achieve the world. I dont have the need to make the world happy and I'm not the good giirl I was... I don't know when everything changed.... but I want it back!! I find inspiratin to write once in a blue moon. I don't remember the last time I drew I haven't been me... I haven't been the ocd clean freak or the smiley happy bubbly girl so many people knew and loved....


Thats why I'm the brokem girl... becuase I feel like an imposstor in my own body.... and I am soo tired of it......


Any advice would be great....

Dreaming

Dreamin
Current mood: curious
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I had a couple dreams last night. Both i remembered. This is really weird for me. The first one was about my ex best friend and me. She was living with her dad and neither of up had money but we decided to pack up all of our things and hit the road without looking back. It ended with her eating two huge sandwhiches and i took a bite out of the second one and she gave me puppy dog eyes.

The second dream was a little weirder.... I was with a black girl that i don't know and we We're running around the pacific science center but the building was cantacup shores condominioms. We We're looking for blues of some post. Then i went and sat in the loby like thing and was talking to my ex supervisor at walmart. The only thing i remember saying was... My life isn't what it was since i lost a really big part of who i am.... But now its back... And i can become who i used to be.

I don't understand the meanings of either of these..... But maybe there was i hidden meaning somewhere

happiness vs pain

I feel Frustrated full of anger and pain
Life is full of resentment and of full of games
Feel like I'm falling still sitting on a dark cloud
Back to square one where no one is around


Feeling invisible I don't even feel like myself
I hanged myself with a rope from the top bunk of the bed
Despite this feeling I still have a soul
Soulful holidays but I still feel cold


Waiting for the warm embrace from family and friends
Acception and love is all I need at the end
desperately trying to escape this pain
searching for love and happiness again.


The sunrises but I continue to fall
confusion surrounds me like a great wall
lost in a world with the storm and rain
until I vanish into the world with sweet nothings.


___________________________________________________________________________________________

My happiness was shattered a long time ago- and it was brought back to me not too long ago. Still not fully the girl I was- i still cry, still dont smile much... but, I know the feeling of happyness.

His arms around me, in that sweet embrace.
The smile he gives, that comes out of no where.
his soft lips, and gentle voice...

Its the guy of my dreams- he's my happiness..... And i love him so so much
Mr Cy T Seim ♥♥